I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
Randomize
