I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
