I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
Randomize
