my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Randomize
