So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
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