I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
Side note, we are 25 fighting over our sophmore year RAs Drunk facebook attention
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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