So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
Help me help you realize you are a moron
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
Randomize
