she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
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