Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Randomize
