Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
