mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
I think I won the penis lottery.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
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