I told u I don't really remember everything lol i pretty much remember not lasting as long as I norm and that I wore a condom, I hate condoms
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
Randomize
