can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
I have feelings that need drinking.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
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