You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
Nothing ended up happening last night because he couldn't get my overalls or fanny pack off. I woke up this morning with one strap over my overall shorts on, my fanny pack wrapped around my chest, and the baby doll still tied to my hand. Ugh white trash parties!
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Randomize
