only you would photoshop your dick
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
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