Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
Randomize
