My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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