Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
