Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
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