I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
