im officially scared..,i finally realized who my boyfriend reminds me of! spencer pratt
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
Randomize
