just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
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