he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
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