I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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