i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
Randomize
