When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
I just found a bag of teeth...
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
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