I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
Randomize