We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
