Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Randomize
