I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
Randomize
