I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Randomize
