Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
