I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
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