if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
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