He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize
