After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
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you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
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And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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