So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
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