I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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