Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
We need a shit load of segways right now
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
Randomize
