She's the barista slut.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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