You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
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