well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
Randomize
