Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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