I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
Randomize
