Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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