I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
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