watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Randomize
