I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
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