You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
