Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
