Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
Randomize
