dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
