Will you blow on my dice?
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
The chlamydia really affected his face.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
Randomize
