Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Randomize
