We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
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