My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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