he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Randomize
