Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
He had one of those small greek statue penises
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
