someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Randomize
