My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
