I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
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